Sometimes....I am afraid that my dad pours his words onto me.
But that is too the only way that I can half take away the grief inside him.

Sometimes...This makes me wanna cry.
I wish to run away and cry.

I think I know why there is always this crying girl I see inside me.
Because time,circumstances,world and the people she love had to make her go on.

If she falls to defeat to herself,how can she help others?

I have an elder brother whom had hope lost with him.
Instead of glory and support,he brought pain,anguish and time to time disappointment to this home.
I have a younger brother whom my parents believe firmly that he will not follow the first one.
He is still young.Still ignorant of the responsibilities which I hope he will acknowledge one day.
Yet he,somehow is often in oppose with my father.
Maybe it's what they say in Chinese, 8 characters crash.
?
I dunno. But in him,I hope to nuture and as much as I dont much interfere in his life,I hope he will know his placings in life.

There they(my parents) had me in the middle.
As far as I am concern,I have not depend my own financial on them for a long time.
I hope one day I would have enough to contribute too.

I always never say much.
I dont.
I let them to see me as happy as I can.
Or at least not another source of worry.

That is why...I am very scare that I wont be able to live up to it.
You can tell me that such expectation is not place on me from them.
I know you are right about this.
Coz I had it on myself since I know the world.

Can you blame me then?
It can be a choice but I made it a no choice for me.

If I dont carry it,you tell me..who will?
If I dont do it,would my younger one be able to see it one day and hopefully share this load too?
If I dont take the flag from my elder brother and lead,who can?

For a very long time,I have stop behaving like a little gal.
I am always more mature than people of my own age.(I was told.)

I guess I suddenly understand when I was first with Jason,I was very bad to him sometimes.
Coz I have someone to rely on,someone to whine to.
As if that was what I have been wanting to do for long.

Was it one or two years already?
I have seen myself grow and change so much.

I still cant be the little gal like I want to and already forgot that I want to.

I have throw away such desire and put on my battlesuit.

I know it is not so bad afterall.

Sooner or later you have to learn and recognize your placing in your own story.
And in one life,you just keep learning and discovering.
Hopefully you become tougher and stronger than before each time.

I know that there are people that I can lean on support.
In this life,I am not a solo island.
So are you.
Noone is and no one shall be.

But we have our own battle to fight,our own field to shed blood on.
Each support,be it a friend,a faith,a religion,a pet or whatever is just a camp for you to rejuvenate and sharpen your weapons.

You know what I mean.

You who read this has read about who I am inside.

The reason that I have not disclosed this blog to everyone coz I do not intend everyone to come and know me inside.

I dun need the world to see who I am.

Like I have said,it is not that I am then wearing a mask to face the world.
I did not.
Not a mask.
It's a battle suit that I wore.

I know you know me already.


Just do me a favour,ok?=)

Dont expose me to the people that don't know.

It is just a personal internal struggle that we all have to deal with inside.

And I am just blogging to vent it away.
It makes me feel better.